It is extremely difficult to pinpoint a day or location when I first remember being different from other boys, but in retrospect, I can see that by my tenth birthday I wanted to be emotionally closer to my male friends than they wanted to be to me. As early as fourth grade, I began to notice the guys in my class much more than the girls. Without realizing what was happening, I began developing feelings for several of my classmates. I didn't resent myself for it because I didn't have any indication that what I was experiencing wasn't normal for boys my age. Instead of thinking "I'm gay", I simply believed I understood girls better than average.

The story of how I realized I was attracted to boys is somewhat unconventional. I often spent the night with Mark, a close friend of mine. During one night at Mark's house, he excitedly asked to borrow my iPod so he could show me something. While handing it back to me, I noticed "naked women" in the Google Images search bar. I didn't need a second glance to be horrified at the results. I may have surprised him by shutting that experience down immediately, but I surprised myself even more a few weeks later when I found myself looking for pictures of naked guys in the same manner.

At first, I had no clue what was going on, but I slowly began to realize that I wanted deeper, more personal friendships with my male friends. While they swooned over the single girl in their grade (I attended a miniscule private school) I found that I could not relate. Instead, I would listen and compare the feelings they had for girls with the ones I felt for them. I was the odd boy out. Eventually, Mark and I's short-lived venture into pornography opened the door to more experimentation. First, I was asked to sext (well, okay, all I had was an email back then) and then to experiment with him physically. Soon, I didn't need to be encouraged every time and sometimes I would even be more the instigator than the obedient young follower.

Although I was curious during this period, I was simultaneously quite unhappy about my feelings for guys. It didn't take me long to follow my feelings and rising hormones to a quick Google search that told me I was gay. Thus, as an 11-year-old, I was already well-aware of my sexual orientation and entered a mental conflict that would continue to haunt me for over a decade.